My **** is always with you. It is my ME time. There are things I have to work on myself, there is a person I need to save from self-destruction. It is best for me, just as it is best for you. I understand, I would not have had this any other way.
It's just that, I miss you. Sometimes. At times. And the funny thing is, part of me is happy that I am missing you.
It assures me that I am still good at something, at least one: loving you.
I can't stand you. (That's a good part.)
Any piece of you moves me.
I am missing you, I just hope you don't feel the same way.
Or if you do, rather not show anything. Any piece of you breaks me, completes me.
There is no longer me when there is you.
Maybe it would help waking up knowing you have unloved me.
I hope there's progress now.
I'm sorry I have blocked your access in every place.
I know you will understand.
This is really a good thing.
I hope you don't worry about me. I am my hero, you know.
I am strong (I can hear you laughing now), I can take care of myself.
I really just miss you now. But any piece of you will only depart me from self-redemption. I don't want anything from you. Of you.
I have to get over this phase. I want to, I guess I've just been used to everything instant nowadays, I feel obsolete. Non-value adding time (the IE idealist speaks).
I want it to be you, you know. But I need to be the me who is the ME who should stand before you first. I need to be the ME who is fulfilled by my own self. I want you to be YOU, the you who will find out for yourself if it is me at the end.
I want you to be happy. You'll be spending years of frustration and unbearable loneliness if you do not put me out of your life. You are nothing without commitment, and I cannot commit anything to you, the nothingness someone completes for you.I feel guilty your pity of me holds me back. I feel guilty of THAT look. That look that you look back at me.
Every piece of you, any piece of you makes everything ELSE less important.
I know the right thing, I know what I should do. And I can do it. I just have to act in a consistent phase where I know no you, or know a you with no me in it.
I trust myself. I'm seeking guidance from God. I trust you, please don't break your own promises. You promised yourself you will no longer contact me. I know you have the courage to do it, and determined to completely realize your word. Kaya natin ito. (parang punchline, ey?)
You know and I know, I am not the person for you.
I am doing this, and I will do this good.. For good.. So that in the end, I have a chance to stand at the edge of life, look at YOU looking at ME back, and listen if you heart hears my heart back. I just want to stand next to you, and never look away.
Baby, I want you to work out things with her. She's the best you will ever have. If you have me, you have nothing. You deserve only the best. This is not martyrdom, this is life as it is. Save your life, save your soul.
I, am always your girl.
For always. I want all the things you want, I want every little thing, I DO, only if it's with you. Ikaw lang. And you know it, for now, that's enough.
I miss you well, I see you in the little things. Simple things are more meaningful now, since I look at them of ****. I miss your pigil smile that you've practiced long before you met me, I miss the way you look at me when I'm looking at nothingness and overthinking, I miss your superior perception of yourself and your demand for instant gratification. I miss your breath in between words when you are thinking twice. I miss the way you insist your way, the way you shut me out when you're mad... I miss the way you slash your dagger words to me, and the way you make up for it. I miss your casual attempts, and the way you lose it the moment you see me looking at you. I miss how you change your way when you see me arrive. I miss the way you push me to speak my heart out, and the way you cut me out after. The way you cry then apologize for it with no emotion. I miss the way you smile when you receive my msgs and when you re-read them. The way you look at my pictures when you're alone, and your thoughts after. The way you think of me when you are in company of others, the way you don't get over talking with me for an unimaginably long time, the way you insist I say "ILY" before hanging up, and the way it makes you feel when I do so---pilit but with feelings of kilig and denial...then we extend for some more mushy yucky cheese. The way you giggle, end the conversation while turning back from your company strangely looking at you because your smiling when you're talking/fighting with me. The way you allow me to do the two best parts of my day: reading your mail, and writing you one.
The way you resist me.
The way you listen to me, and understanding that though all of them are of no interest or relevance to you, I need an outlet and you are that only friend I can be deeply trusting to. The way you say I can do it, and the way it matters to me that someone actually believes. The way you sort my good ideas from the bad, and compliment me for the effort of having ideas although covered by my cynicism and lack of usefulness.
I miss your intimacy, your madness, your jealousy. I miss your constant need to know you are the one, my only one, no one else. I miss the way I don't have to ask it back.
I miss your disappointment when you can't settle our conversation as friends or something else. I miss your honesty, your straightforward conviction that it is just happy right now, not happily ever after.
Despite all this, I am happy with you. You make me happy.
Now that I have a mind of my own, I've learned I was born for one lifelong goal:
to make you happy.
Hearts just know.
Tuesday, 17 April 2007 at 10:36 |
